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Pseudonym.... creative juices not flowing today

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[21 Mar 2007|02:54am]
[ mood | contemplative ]

I've been having these thoughts a lot lately, and I thought I would try to sort them out here, so much as I can:

People assume so much about others. It makes me wonder how much someone has to hide.

We are born with things that separate us, things we can't change. But nevertheless, things we will be judged for.

Whosets the standard for normal, physically or mentally? For some reason, the idea of physical deformities is on my mind constantly. Because unlike my own problems, they are blatant and undeniable. But does society accomodate these things? Stores sell hats that are one-size-fits-all, assuming that our heads are all within a certain size range. Shirts have two symmetrical arm holes, which imply that we all have two symmetrical arms. How would the large-headed adult with an arm stunted by polio feel among these uniform garments and people?

I gaze upon my own anatomy. No abnormal flaws? So the casual observer might conclude. Assuming I was wearing close-toed shoes. Upon the simple exposure of my left foot, this observation would prove incorrect. My second two toes are webbed.
But I have no qualms with this. I like my webbed toes. They are quite charming as far as deformities go.
I have two thin, slightly muscled arms that connect to small shoulders, framing a torso that curves with the aid of an S-shaped spine, wide hips and C-cups. I am supported by two well-shaped and defined long legs- mens' favorite feature of mine. I am 5 feet, 6 inches and 116 pounds. I have a nice body. This is automatically a determining factor when meeting people, and I know I will be judged for it. But it's one of the few things I'm not ashamed of.

What am I ashamed of? I always had it buried not far below the surface that I should be ashamed of things I couldn't change. Like OCD ticks or obsessions with certain words. Or my tendency to explode on someone who is calm or happy for a reason that they don't understand. Talking to myself, reciting familiar dialogue or invented conversation unconsciously, often in the prescence of others. My enormous and injustifiable capacity for resentment. My gawky, awkward, and often clueless manner. My instinct to cling with an iron grip to those I care about, yet with the expectation that I should be allowed large amounts of privacy whenever I deem it necessary. My ever-present fear that these things make me inferior or unworthy.

Stupidly, I never considered that someone else might face the same thought patterns. Maybe if I really believed this I could reach a sense of inner-peace.

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[26 Jan 2007|06:36pm]
No one has any idea how deep the pain is.

NO ONE.

But I'm not going to submit to it this time. Why? Because I'm stronger than that. And it's nothing worse than what I've faced before.

I need a blackberry latte. Large. With cream.
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Ok, so I was officially "done" [25 Jan 2007|11:14am]
I came to the point in which I was posting obligatory entries, so I decided to quit posting. But the notion has recently occured to me that I am an insane person and I might actually WANT to record some of these things, because they may lend themselves to the creative process.

I don't think I've ever actually REALLY really faced my raw feelings before, without looking for some bullshit symbolism. Now I will just let the symbolism flow as it does. As it needs to. I'm not pushing anymore. I'm not ashamed of anything right now, which is an incredible thing to say for me.

What the hell do I understand? What do I want to understand? What do I want to stay away from forever? I am wise yet I am a fool. Cliche as it is.

During the past day or so I've been going through intense periods of depression and self-examination, and it reached its climax today. I'm still trying to wean the last bit of it out of me as I sit at this PC in the science lab, surrounded by students actually accomplishing diligence. But suddenly I want to work harder than I ever have in my life, because I am now disgusted with how lazy, unproductive and incompetant I've become.

Life is not where I want it to be, I'm not the person I want to be, and I've reached the ultimate frustration. I'm selfish and naive and haughty. But I want to love again, in selflessness. During the past few hours, I've had this amazing clarity of things and I want to formulate conclusions. I suddenly feel the dire urgency to do so.

My pop culture poetry class had a lot to do with it. I'm just begginning to realize how lucky I am that I nabbed this during drop and add, be it at 9:30 am at the furthest corner of campus. It's giving me the extra push and shove I need to better my writing. Which is to better myself.

I'm not thinking much right now, just penning whatever crosses my mind.

I had a scary dream last night. It involved *someone I know* (as a nightmarish image of scholarly evil), his father, and a dying baby. I need to understand the symbolism of dying babies. She was not dead, only disregarded to die. But I was her savior in this cruel, dark, twisted world. She was naked, with purple bruises and tongue lolling out of her mouth. She was a baby, yet had certain adult forms: a full head of bobbed hair, slender muscular development with adult ratios. But still pre-pubescent.

I've written exploding, hallucinagenic phrases of poetry. I only wish I could call upon that high whenever I craved such inspiration.

But I'm slowly coming down out of it now, as I knew I would. I'm rising from the blackout following that orgasm I rode like a wild stallion through the night. An imperfect phrase, but I like it.
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Experimental [13 Sep 2006|07:15pm]
If you read my lj, say aye.
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Lalala [27 Aug 2006|03:10am]
[ mood | thankful ]

Every night since my mom left has been insane. I've been out after 1 every night, and have met the most beautiful thing on the planet...........

AARON!!!!!!! Oh my gosh :D

He's an art major, and is quiet, obscurely funny, and kind. He has curly black hair that frames his lovely, cheeky face and he is black Irish.

Nothing ever goes the way I plan it, but this has been working for me. I'm happy for the first time in so long. I can't tell you how amazing this feels. I won't be updating much because I will actually be out DOING things for a change.

I've been hanging out with Aaron and his friend James for the past few nights, and tonight we went to a houka bar. It was a good call on James' part, being an experienced drug user. I ended up enjoying it much more then I thought I would, and somehow by the end of the night they were both consistently blowing watermelon flavored smoke in my face. I tried to defend myself, but it was hopeless :P Such gentlemen- they looked for my lost cellphone in the dead of night, and have walked me home every night.

However, I think I'm going to kill the fuckers that just moved in across the hall. There's a rotten spot in everything, I guess.

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What am I doing?? [20 Aug 2006|07:48pm]
[ mood | cynical ]

Bah, I have a headache. Nothing major of course, but worthy of complaining about. It's just general tiredness, I suppose. I WILL NOT stay up late watching Johnny Depp movies anymore, I will not!

I'm sitting in my dorm room at 10 to 8 with little idea of what I'm doing here. I think I'll find a way to insert a picture of me that I've taken in here, the crappy blinds in my background. After my room mate Samantha left several hours ago, I could finally get in a bit of sleep, which ended up being a hours and filled with mysterious, disturbing snatches of dreams about college life. My room mate's family is very religious, which alienates me a bit and I don't know how to act. I don't think I've put down the religion at all, which is good, and they haven't badgered me about it either. I don't want this to turn into another Marie or Peter situation, but I don't think it will.

SInce I've reached the point of seeing that this is actually happening, I've had thoughts that never occured to me before now. Will I ever meet anyone here? Will I end up in this room, driven half crazy all the time? Instead of walking around introducing myself to people, I've secluded myself in this little room and done nothing since I got here but unpack and sleep. My mother is staying another 5 days, unfortunately; I feel so broken and distant from my family. In an earlier episode, she let slip something that made me realize what a horrific situation this really is. I've been saying all summer that I can't do this anymore, but it's only now that I see I really can't. I have been hurt so much that it may kill my will to go on. It practically already has.

I'm sorry to depress anyone who happens to be reading, it just always comes out this way. It's just the way I feel and there's no way around it. I hope for everyone's sake it gets better.

AAACH! I just found a fire ant on me!

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Things that distinguish a human being [13 Aug 2006|03:46pm]
Some of these may seem opinionated, so don't throw stones at me.........

1. A sense of humor, or ability to laugh
2. The capacity to feel compassion (beyond the herd)
3. Lingual abilities
4. Interraction in wide social circles, as in long distance relationships
5. Ability to cry
6. Abstract levels of understanding
7. Ability to compose and play music
8. Cultural societies
9. Hatred
10. Interest in subjects purely for the joy of knowledge
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Blah, not-so-great-first-date [07 Aug 2006|11:58pm]
[ mood | distressed ]

My first internet date, if you could even call it a date. I met this 22 year old I was really looking forward to meeting, but it was a major let down. He showed not a bit of interest in me (despite being the initiator), offered to pay for nothing, didn't say thank you when I did him favors (although it seems that tradition usually dictates that guys do some favors, not only did he not do any, but he wasn't thankful when I did), and never asked any questions about me. But the worst part is that there was a mix-up and instead of waiting for me outside of the movie theatre, he WENT IN WITHOUT ME!!! While I was out looking everywhere for him, he's sitting in the theatre Most of the date involved sharing humor (not my strength). I hope there will be no second date.

I would say more, if there was anything else to say. I hate being so boring.

I'm leaving in two weeks. I've never been so happy and sad at the same time.

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[24 Jul 2006|04:35pm]
[ mood | bored ]

I haven't updated in ages..... I would if there was anything to say. I've got a bunch of new clothes for college, and we are leaving on Thursday to get some testing done. Long story. Orientation is on the 22nd and I'm going to stay after that. It breaks my heart to know that i'm leaving my dogs, especially old Weimeraner Mattie. She is 11 and and I may never see her again. She already slips and falls a lot- curse these wood floors. I hope I can at least see her and my other dogs at winter break.

So I'm off to Tallahasee. Goodbye Hicktown, hello Bigger Hicktown. My heart isn't truly in this whole FSU thing, but I know it could be worse. I've got to jump on the boat if I really want to transfer. But this is a great school with everything you could possibly imagine to do. I even have a date set up for when I get up there :) If I find my place, I may just have a new place to call home........

It was strange-- in Barnes and Noble the other night, I saw this guy I had been crazy about all through high school but never made a move on him. I didn't talk to him, but snuck into the isle behind him and his friend. They were wrapped up in a conversation and I had no idea what they were talking about. Weird that I would care, but the guy always had such an extensive social life despite his nerdy intelligence, and it never included me. In a way, it provided a sense of closure. I'm moving on from everything.

I burned myself making pancakes this morning. Rawr.

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[10 Jul 2006|03:56pm]
Create dolls on The Doll Palace doll maker www.thedollpalace.com
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[09 Jul 2006|01:26am]
[ mood | tired ]

(Click here to post your own answers for this meme.)

I miss somebody right now. × I don't watch much TV these days.  (Are you kidding?) I own lots of books.
I wear glasses or contact lenses.  (I am legally blind) × I love to play video games. I've tried marijuana.
I've watched porn movies.  (So shoot me.) × I have been the psycho-ex in a past relationship. I believe honesty is usually the best policy.
I curse sometimes.  (hehe) I have changed a lot mentally over the last year. × I carry my knife/razor everywhere with me.
it goes on...Collapse )
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Happy 4th eveybody [04 Jul 2006|04:00pm]
The Fourth
by Shel Silverstein

Oh
CRASH!
my,
BASH!
it's
BANG!
the
ZANG!
Fourth
WHOOSH!
of
BAROOM!
July
WHEW!


I just ate two chocolate chip cookies with buttercream in the middle
mmmmm...... lard :)
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Yaaaaaaaaa 18!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! [29 Jun 2006|07:47pm]
[ mood | calm ]

So here I am at the crossroads. I can buy cigarettes, go to clubs, waitress, have my own credit card, sign up for dating sites. The world just got a little sweeter.

I had my pictures taken professionally two days ago. They told me I was such a good model that they wanted me to be represented in their brochure! They also told me I should take up acting (which I have done for years) because I could change poses and facial expressions so fast and convincingly. I have been pretty depressed lately, so this was an ego boost I really needed. Even if it was something as hollow as modeling, I needed to start somewhere.

My mother signed the both of us up for a spa package at a tiny business called Skin Care. I got a pedicure today from the sweetest, most soft spoken woman. We will also be getting a manicure, facial and massage (by a middle aged man, oy!) We had a very kind waitress at the seafood restaurant as well. It was a good thing for me because I hardly ever get to be around nice people, and I needed it. I've had a lot of qualms with people lately.

We bought marble cake and petit fours at Publix, and are going to eat them soon. I am still so full from that fettucini with shrimp and scallops I ate today; quite heavy. I have a love affair with seafood.

I understand how lucky I am to have a family that cares about me so much, and I am so grateful everyday for all the things I have. I have learned how unfortunate so many people can be, and have learned to take nothing for granted.

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Felicity Huffman went to Putney?! [23 Jun 2006|07:00pm]
[ mood | bored ]

I hadn't visited the Putney website in awhile, but they now have an article about celebrities who attended Putney in highschool. Bizarre- I never figured such a tiny obscure school would claim such impressive alumni.

This means nothing to most of you, of course. For the underprivilaged among you who don't know, Putney is the most beautiful place under the sun. I'm not sure if I can remember mentioning it or not, so I won't risk repeating myself.

www.putney.com

~*~

A change of subject....
I don't usually post any of my poetry here (because I typically feel it is below average), but I really like this one. I've been thinking a lot about ice skating lately for some odd reason, lusting to get back out there on the ice; It's been awhile.

Ice Skating

I am free to fly
glammed up in sparkled dress
trembling from head to foot
and not just from temperature....

These blades are cunning
they allow me to cut you and ride you effortlessly
making love to your cold, hard surface in my passion
I have you harnessed, within my power
for I have learned to outsmart you
you slick, conniving fool
mocking nature in aqueous formation

I slip at times, it's true
but your taunting, far from shaming me
throws me back into motion
I know what I have worked so hard to conquer
your contempt just fuels my fire
that melts the ice every time

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A week until Adulthood.... wow [22 Jun 2006|06:30pm]
[ mood | contemplative ]

I suppose I ought to journal today to mark an occaison with a bit of philosophical musing. 7 lucky days until my my 18th birthday. Adulthood is so subjective, with no clear line marking any sort of transition. I could have been an adult a long time ago, but I never thought it was what I wanted.

Been thinking a lot.... there is so much I don't understand. Is that a good thing or a bad thing? I always thought abstraction was somwhat beautiful, but am I directly avoiding information for reasons unknown to me, mainly fear? Am I intelligent? Am I an idiot? There are large disadvantages that I hadn't thought about until recently of not knowing.

Today is a think/observe/question/improve/make peace day. Maybe I will change my outloook on things and instead set out to understand. A start on what I hope will be a new life. Am I the only person whose outlooks seem to change all the time?

I got an uncharacteristic amount accomplished today (still not much for me, but hey, it's still a start), so I'm allowing myself a little deserved nothing time.

My mouth still tastes of salami. Delicious.

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I stole this from Leah :P [17 Jun 2006|02:15am]
Do a Google search and post the first pic that comes up

1) Your age on your next birthday:

Don't ask me; I'll be 18

2) Your favorite color:

lovely lavendar :)

3) Your middle name:

She kinda looks like me. I've always thought I would have liked it if my name were Michelle instead.

4) The last meal you ate:

We're rednecks, I know. But they were delicious.

5) Your bad habit:

Heh. May as well be honest.

6) Your favorite fruit or vegetable:

I always wanted to live up north so I could grow apple trees

7) Your favorite animal:

And they just had to come up with the ugly one, of course. It was a article about imbreeding white tigers.

8) The town you live in:

And here we have the pristine, white Fort Myers Beach.

9) Name of your pet:

This isn't really fair- I have 4 pets. But our Mattie is the oldest and has earned her place here.

11) Your first name:

Cool

12) your last name:

Heh heh
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[13 Jun 2006|05:23pm]
[ mood | bored ]

<td align="center"> Hannah --
[noun]:

An alien

'How will you be defined in the dictionary?' at QuizGalaxy.com</td>


The first answer it came up with. Blunt and uncreative, but I gotta agree.









your dragon self (stunning pics and detailed results)




You Are A Black Dragon,you live in recluded mountains or marshes, occasionnaly in deeps forests. You are very smart, and you rather use your brains before attacking. You rarely speak to humans, but when you do, you speak perfectly any language. You are very good at occult arts and often use magic. You would rather have nothing to do with humans, but will be of great help if you do. You are very fierce about the violation of you territory. Unfortunatly, you are quite unstable, maybe chaotic. You can spite acid.stone: onyxquote: "What a splendid head, yet no brain. " from Aesop you control: darkness
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Cool, huh?








What obsolete skill are you?




You are 'regularly metric verse'. This can take many forms, including heroic couplets, blank verse, and other iambic pentameters, for example. It has not been used much since the nineteenth century; modern poets tend to prefer rhyme without meter, or even poetry with neither rhyme nor meter.You appreciate the beautiful things in life--the joy of music, the color of leaves falling, the rhythm of a heartbeat. You see life itself as a series of little poems. The result (or is it the cause?) is that you are pensive and often melancholy. You enjoy the company of other people, but they find you unexcitable and depressing. Your problem is that regularly metric verse has been obsolete for a long time.
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Sometimes these things describe me ridiculously well. Gosh.
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[13 Jun 2006|10:35am]
[ mood | impressed ]

Alright, so I suppose I ought to write about my fantastic little escapade several nights ago.

This keyboard will take some getting used to. That's right, Hannah's computer is FINALLY up and running! My little laptop is so beautiful. I even have a webcam! And I'm stealing my internet connection from a neighbor :) haha

This was more than a week ago, but I still feel it is worth writing about. Since I don't have a job and my mother does, she had been very nasty to me rececntly. Immediately after she walked in the door, she would start in with the insults. Coming home and treating me like dirt after I had been looking forward to her return all day was more than I could take from her day after day, and I had had enough. So I left.

Not expecting much, I went on my usual trek to Barnes and Noble (my favorite place in the city of course, besides my house). Whilst finishing my dessert at the cafe, I caught a glimpse of a familiar face- Dan, the lovely college algebra acquaintance I wrote about several months ago. While he stood in the cafe line with his girlfriend, I went up to "get another drink". The conversation starter was, of course, my math grade. As we joked around, he and his friends invited me to play Scattergories at midnight. Without ever calling Mother, I said yes.

It was a barrel of fun. I came in next to last (but I was the youngest, after all). I stayed unil 2 am.

Mother tried calling me repeatedly on my way home, but I didn't answer. It turns out she called the police on me and whether she felt bad or not, she was worried about me. Heh. I taught mommy a lesson that night, I think.

And by the way....
Empire Of The Sun is a FANTASTIC movie. I just spent 2 and a half hours of my life watching it, and I may have to watch it again. It's hard to lose with Christian Bale and John Malkovich, anyway.

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[05 Jun 2006|08:49pm]
[ mood | indescribable ]

Yesterday, I saw a story on Carl Hiaasin on 60 Minutes. I had heard of him briefly, but now I know that I must seek him out. The story focused on his writing about his home- consequently south Florida. He is a columnist and a bestselling novelist who uses writing as therapy in the midst of the most bizarre state in the union. And I just found out we have one of his books! It's called Stormy Weather. After I'm done with my current books (Sophie's Choice and Pretties), I'm so on it.

My relationship with Florida, like Carl's, is one of love-hate. The enviroment is like nowhere else in the world, exploding with more flora than one anywhere else could imagine, so full of swamps and rivers and flowers and year-round sun that my romantic tendencies threaten to overpower me. And then there is the animals-from little finches to brittle stars, from lime green lizards (I saw one today!) to red and black velvet ants as big as a quarter. The ecosystem here is truly unparalleled.

Then there is, of course, a pot full of the nuttiest and most people in the country. Corrupt politicians and suicide-bombers-in-training and child molestorers abound in greater concentration here than in any other state. And there is rarely an imaginative person in sight. Which is what Carl writes about- this state that was once tranquil and beautiful and is now a refuge for the scum of the nation.

But the resounding fact at the end of the day is that at least I have a place to call my home, something that is part of me. No matter what that means.

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Grad party pictures ;) [31 May 2006|10:51am]
[ mood | chipper ]

Emily and I went on a picture-taking adventure with our new cameras....... so appropriate.


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Beautiful Miss Emily with a Hawaiian flower in her hair


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How completely bizarre...... my first picture I've taken that contains an orb. I'm thinking it may be Jim Hall's spirit, he did love the Orange River. On other notes, Matt and Sean and Emily on the dock.


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My flower-child vision is finally fulfilled. I've wanted a picture of me like this for the longest time. Holding one of our lovely firewheels-- Florida certainly has the most wonderful flowers in the world.


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A Florida sunset-- almost makes it worth living here. Ah-so-lovely.


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The most beautiful cake we've ever had. Tasted even better :)


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A Hannah-in-room picture
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